Shitshow 2011

It's 2:00 AM on Saturday November 12 and I'm blogging this from the bathroom of a hotel just outside of Washington, DC.  I feel like I have to rewind a bit.





There is a Neuroscience Conference in DC this week.  It's absurdly huge, some 40,000 neuroscientists are expected to attend, myself included.  William (my french-aussie friend) was back in town these past two weeks as he was consolidating some research he had to present at the conference and since his research was here in upstate NY, rather than in Paris, he spent the time here.

Which means, for the past two weeks, Ryan, Karla, William, and I are back to our summer partying ways.  So, Thursday night, we planned on going back to Babylon. Again. With three of Ryan's friends: Emily, Caty, and Wes.

We all met up at Ryan's house around 10 at night, and started pregaming. Hard.  I was chugging down ciders, shots of raspberry vodka, and rums and cokes, and I was among the more sober people.  William and Wes, who, for the record, are both gay and both considered somewhat hot (I personally think Wes is hot. William's a good friend, but not my type). Anyway, William and Wes kept trying to outdo each other, downing something like 12 shots in an hour.  Emily and Karla were in the background desperately trying to keep up.

Around 11, Karla's friend Chris, our DD for the evening, showed up and carted us all off in Karla's Ford Expedition to Babylon.

And that's when the night went insane.

First, Chris and I stopped by the hot dog stand outside so I could grab him a hot dog.  Why there was a hot dog stand outside the door beats the shit out of me. Price of hot dog: $3

Chris didn't have any cash on him, so I covered his entrance to the club. Price: $3

Then, I had a bit of difficulty getting in. I had misplaced my ID, and though I had a student ID from my university, my old high school ID (which had my birthday), my AAA card, my blood donor card, my health insurance card, my credit, etc, I didn't have a driver's license or a passport on me. It took some convincing at the door, but they eventually but the black X's on my hands, the wristband on my wrist, and let me in and I checked my coat. Price: $13

Just then, both Emily and William were kicked out for being overly intoxicated.  I think they were being unfair to Emily, but William had fallen over, broken his glasses, and couldn't stand up. I had to literally carry him out of the club.  Ryan, Chris, and Caty left with us.  On the way out, I grabbed a hot dog at the hot dog stand. Price: $3

After we got back to Ryan's house, I carried William part way to the door. Until he drunkenly tripped me.  Then Ryan and I picked him up and carried him inside.  We deposited William on one couch, Emily on a chair, and Ryan and Caty agreed to look after them.  Chris and I got back in the car to go to the club. On the way back, we ran low on gas, so we put in about 5 gallons worth. Using my card. Price: $17

By the time we got back inside, thankfully without having to repay, it was almost 1 in the morning.  Chris was sober and I had sobered up as well.  So, we split up to find Karla and Wes and make sure they were alive.  I spotted Karla first. She was up against a wall, making out with a deaf guy in a plaid shirt.  I politely interrupted, informed her of the situation, and then let her go back to her fun.

Wes I finally spotted doing much the same, but he was up against a pillar, and the guy wasn't deaf. Same deal.

Finally, tired, sober, and without friends to dance with and no inclination to approach anyone currently dancing, I spent the next hour perched in a booth observing Karla and Wes to keep them out of trouble.

At the end of the night, Karla was so drunk I had to pick her up and carry her out of the club to her car. Every step of the way, she told me how much she loved me and wasn't it too bad that I was gay?  I tried telling her I wasn't gay. She shushed me. And then proceeded to tell people I was carrying her past how hot I was, and wasn't it a shame I was gay.

Chris and I put Karla and Wes together in the back seat.  Where somehow Wes ended up shirtless and Karla and he were making out.  Which was odd because, again, Wes is gay.

We finally got back to Ryan's.  Karla I put on a couch, gave her keys to Ryan, and told him not to give them to her until the morning.  She asked me for her keys back, but I put a pillow behind her head, and tucked her in.  Wes tried to tend to William, but Wes himself was drunk and therefore not in the best shape to be giving help.  I shooed him away, telling him Ryan had it under control. He asked me to button up his shirt. As I did, I joked "Usually I'm unbuttoning a boy's shirt at the end of the night."

Chris drove home, Ryan looked after Karla and William.  Wes, Emily (who was now a bit more sober), Caty, and I began walking back. I invited them back to my place, as it was closer and there were plenty of couches. They declined, and we split ways. My route back home and their route back to campus.

On the way back, Wes texted me. Here it is, un-redacted, starting at 2:59 am.

Wes: :p
Jack: ;)
Wes: Aw what u donnngg
Jack: Walking home. You?
Wes: Same gah whatsa on ur plan for the rest of night
Jack: I'm going to sleep. You should too
Wes: oh alright
Wes: Was gonna say let's chill hut arightt
Jack: Another night. You're cute, but you're drunk. I'm not going to take advantage of you like this.
Wes: Lol not that drunk
Jack: Haha fine. Do you want to come over?
Wes: Idk u can come here? My roommates for the night.
Jack: Sure.

So, by 3:15, I was in his dorm room stripping off my clothes and now unbuttoning the same shirt that I had just rebuttoned a half hour before.  Wes is a cute guy.  He's a smooth twink, about 5'5" and probably 120#, maybe less.  He's a cross country runner for the school, and has the body that comes with being perpetually underweight.  I know, I used to run for all of high school.  But it meant that he had tight muscles and very little fat. He looked good.

We climbed up into his top bunk college bed (a good reason not to sleep with underclassmen), and he put on the first Harry Potter movie. He kept getting whiskey dick and kept apologizing for it.  I calmed  him, told him it happens.  He got hard a few times and we had a good time rolling around, kissing, blowing each other.  I fingered him, opened him, wrapped up my meat and fucked him. He struggled to take my cock.  "It's a big cock," he said by way of explanation.  I had already noticed that. He adjusted to it, and I slowly fucked him before I started going soft as well.

He mentioned I was only his 3rd guy. The other two was a guy in high school and a notorious seducer who had had him his Freshman year. I'm not sure if that puts me in good company.

We repositioned, got hard again, repeated.  Same thing happened about twice more.

Eventually, we just lay in bed, making out and jacking off before I shot all over his chest, a good, strong spray, maybe 5 or 6 shots.  "You look like  Jackson Pollack painting," I joked and licked a little off his chest. "Tastes pretty good."

He hopped down and wiped himself off, doing a little dance as he did.  His roommate texted him, letting him know he was coming back, so I pulled on my clothes, and headed out the door, leaving around 4:45 am.

Getting back home, I collapsed into bed.

Total cost of the evening: $39
Fucking my 22nd guy on 11/11/11: Coincidental. And Priceless.

Around 11:30 am I woke up and remembered I had to road trip down to DC.

I pulled my shit together, showered, and Ben, the driver of our little crew picked me up. I swung by the lab, pulled together the rest of my shit, met up with Ellen (who told me to grab some notes for her while I was the conference), and then reconvened with Ben, who had picked up Zach, the third in our group.

At that point, William, who was boarding his plane to DC texted me to ask me to get his expensive leather gloves from Karla's car, so Ben, Zach, and I drove to Karla's dorm.  Letting myself into her room (she had left the door unlocked), I found her hungover in her bed.  She gave me her keys and I grabbed the gloves from her car. On returning her keys, she gave me her camera and told me to pick up notes and pictures for her at the conference as well.

Finally, we piled into the car and began the 9 hour drive to DC. Now, here's a funny thing. Mei goes to college in DC.  Originally, I was going to stay with her new boyfriend, but Ben got us a hotel room, and I'd rather share a room with him and Zach than with Mei's boyfriend. Also, I feel that might be slightly less awkward.  So, Mei and I texted each other the entire way to DC, making plans to see each other.

About 6 hours in, we stopped at a little diner. After going to the bathroom, Ben asked the waitress. "Excuse me, where are we?"

She looked at him like he was retarded. He stared back expectantly. "Baker's Diner, Dillsburg, PA." "Awesome."

On the way to DC, among the many other jokes we exchanged were hilarious penis names. I think the winner is "the Fear of God."  As in, "I will put the Fear of God into you" and "Can you fell the Fear of God?"

Now, Ben and Zach are asleep. I'm not that tired.  But Ben's in one bed, Zach's in the other, and as Ben is significantly fatter, I'm sleeping with Zach.

Night folks.