Why Ralphie?

Of all the boys I've fucked, there is none who I love more or am frustrated more by than Ralphie.




Let me explain.  On December 6, Ralphie and I chatted on AIM. Yes, we still use AIM, yes, that's kinda lame. I'm too lazy to redact it, so here's the transcript in full.


Ralphie: (8:28:25 PM) homework is lame, amirite?
Ralphie: (8:42:08 PM) and by "lame" I of course mean I hate it and don't want to write anymore
Ralphie: (8:42:14 PM) plz break my fingers
me: (8:42:46 PM) hard to from several hundred miles away
me: (8:42:52 PM) *hard to do
Ralphie: (8:43:20 PM) also I'll be home the 16th
me: (8:43:28 PM) wooooooooo!
Ralphie: (8:43:34 PM) yeah
Ralphie: (8:43:38 PM) i started a term paper
Ralphie: (8:43:49 PM) and finished it in one insane night of frenzy
me: (8:43:51 PM) I just got the scholarship
Ralphie: (8:43:56 PM) OOO GRRRRL
me: (8:43:56 PM) so I'll be here for another year
Ralphie: (8:44:00 PM) OOOOOGRRRRL
me: (8:44:09 PM) except for next fall, when I'll be in Italy
Ralphie: (8:44:44 PM) I hope it won't be repossessed by then!
me: (8:45:12 PM) well, if it is, then I should be able to buy it at a discount
Ralphie: (8:45:25 PM) idk, those germans are pretty tricky
me: (8:45:37 PM) tricky tricky germans
me: (8:45:57 PM) so, you'll be spending every night from the 16 to the 21st in my bed, right?
Ralphie: (8:46:35 PM) idk i have grad school applications
Ralphie: (8:46:42 PM) i have to get those out asap
Ralphie: (8:46:57 PM) but i'm assuming they will be with you
Ralphie: (8:46:59 PM) so that's coolio
me: (8:47:13 PM) huzzah
Ralphie: (8:47:30 PM) how was your platonic date?
me: (8:47:45 PM) sadly platonic
me: (8:48:09 PM) I like girls far more than they like me
Ralphie: (8:48:22 PM) rape is a nice alternative
Ralphie: (8:48:38 PM) for you at least
me: (8:49:06 PM) true, but the whole going to jail thing isn't my style
Ralphie: (8:49:13 PM) well depends on your cellmate
me: (8:49:18 PM) I don't think I'd be able to remain a top there
Ralphie: (8:49:24 PM) sure you would
Ralphie: (8:49:34 PM) just stop with the politeness
me: (8:49:51 PM) and rape my way through the prison yard?
Ralphie: (8:49:59 PM) yes
me: (8:50:11 PM) maybe I should practice by raping your ass when you get here
Ralphie: (8:50:18 PM) :/
Ralphie: (8:50:43 PM) the rape was just an alternative to those prudish girls
Ralphie: (8:51:10 PM) it isn't rape if the receptive party is complacent
me: (8:51:34 PM) fair point
me: (8:51:44 PM) by the way, I switched over to astroglide
me: (8:51:47 PM) it's slicker
Ralphie: (8:52:16 PM) that's a nice testimonial
me: (8:53:00 PM) well, it's slightly more coherent than what your testimonial will be
Ralphie: (8:53:12 PM) O RLY?
me: (8:53:19 PM) o rly.
Ralphie: (8:53:49 PM) we'll see just how great it is
me: (8:54:20 PM) it'll be pretty great
Ralphie: (8:54:40 PM) yes, mr rapist sir
me: (8:55:10 PM) be careful, or I might break out the handcuffs
me: (8:57:01 PM) anyway, how's your semester been?
Ralphie: (8:57:11 PM) long and hard
Ralphie: (8:57:12 PM) ...
me: (8:57:55 PM) just like my cock
Ralphie: (8:58:06 PM) it's not as thick as your cock
me: (8:59:17 PM) and a good thing too
me: (8:59:25 PM) another wise it might have hurt while raping you
Ralphie: (9:00:10 PM) it wasn't pleasant
me: (9:01:00 PM) eh, school rarely is
me: (9:01:07 PM) which is odd, if you think about it
Ralphie: (9:01:37 PM) i'm paying to be raped :/
me: (9:02:45 PM) I was thinking more along the lines that we pay to go to a place filled with partying and the study of whatever we want
me: (9:02:56 PM) and yet somehow, we think it's miserable
Ralphie: (9:03:15 PM) well it's not the fun kind of rape
me: (9:03:20 PM) here's what i want to do for the rest of my life: be a college student who's never graded
Ralphie: (9:03:28 PM) YES
Ralphie: (9:03:39 PM) kinda like tenure for students
me: (9:04:02 PM) exactly
Ralphie: (9:05:01 PM) you've got something kinda like that mr study abroad
me: (9:05:11 PM) I know!
me: (9:05:37 PM) it'll be awesome. I'll spend the whole time looking at old buildings, drinking, and hitting on italians in broken italian
Ralphie: (9:06:00 PM) you'll have to tell me how italians are at sex
me: (9:06:57 PM) if I find out, I'll let you know
me: (9:07:07 PM) I really haven't had much sex this semester
Ralphie: (9:07:14 PM) so you've told me
Ralphie: (9:07:50 PM) not much is more than none!
me: (9:08:15 PM) also true
Ralphie: (9:09:31 PM) have you ever measured your cock since we last discussed that?
me: (9:09:49 PM) I had my cock measured once when I was tied up
Ralphie: (9:10:02 PM) .................................
Ralphie: (9:10:05 PM) interesting
Ralphie: (9:11:26 PM) do you remember the official result?
me: (9:11:50 PM) 7.25 in long
me: (9:11:56 PM) 6.5 in circumference
Ralphie: (9:12:30 PM) the 6.5 circumference sounds right
Ralphie: (9:12:42 PM) but the 7.25 length doesn't
me: (9:12:56 PM) turns out people are really bad at estimating length
Ralphie: (9:13:14 PM) hmmmm
Ralphie: (9:13:23 PM) okay i'll put this to rest once and for all when i get there
Ralphie: (9:13:39 PM) it seems closer to 8
me: (9:14:03 PM) good plan
Ralphie: (9:14:17 PM) I can't find any of the pics of it you sent me this summer. 
me: (9:14:18 PM) remember, the average penis is a little under 6 inches
Ralphie: (9:14:23 PM) this saddens me immensely
me: (9:14:33 PM) would you like me to send you more?
Ralphie: (9:14:41 PM) please do sir
me: (9:17:22 PM) I really ought to organize my pictures of my penis
me: (9:17:31 PM) group them by lighting, angle, etc
me: (9:17:58 PM)Transfer completed:Video Snapshot-3.jpeg
Ralphie: (9:18:04 PM) well obvs
Ralphie: (9:18:07 PM) for posterity
me: (9:18:18 PM)Transfer completed:Photo 21.jpg
Ralphie: (9:19:19 PM) my favorite was the one where you're standing towards the camera at an angle, and your cock is doing sort of a zieg hiel salute
me: (9:19:54 PM) as in the one I just sent?
Ralphie: (9:20:08 PM) no that's not the one
Ralphie: (9:20:14 PM) it's one you took at your sister's place in chicago
Ralphie: (9:20:31 PM) not that i was admiring it that much or anything...
me: (9:21:03 PM) this one
me: (9:21:18 PM)Transfer completed:Photo 31.jpg
Ralphie: (9:21:25 PM) ahh yes that's the one
Ralphie: (9:21:27 PM)
me: (9:22:25 PM) all hail the master dick
Ralphie: (9:23:21 PM) i would look at that thing and think "holy mother of god he managed to get that entire thing inside me."
me: (9:24:22 PM) indeed I did. let's do it again
Ralphie: (9:24:41 PM) I was just thinking that
me: (9:25:49 PM) btw, what are you doing this summer?
Ralphie: (9:25:56 PM) idk yet
Ralphie: (9:26:06 PM) depends on where i go to grad school
me: (9:26:44 PM) where are you applying?
Ralphie: (9:27:01 PM) midwestern schools mostly
Ralphie: (9:27:05 PM) a few west coast
Ralphie: (9:27:09 PM) closest is OSU
me: (9:27:42 PM)
me: (9:27:47 PM) anything in chicago?
Ralphie: (9:28:49 PM) yeah
Ralphie: (9:28:53 PM) my number 1
Ralphie: (9:29:02 PM) u of illinois
me: (9:29:05 PM) wooo
Ralphie: (9:29:08 PM) it's just outside the loop
me: (9:29:13 PM) I'll make sure to visit my sister then
Ralphie: (9:29:21 PM) you should
Ralphie: (9:29:25 PM) family is very important
me: (9:30:07 PM) I know, right?
me: (9:30:21 PM) also, I'm thinking about applying to UChicago for grad school
Ralphie: (9:30:39 PM) coolio
Ralphie: (9:30:41 PM) that's a fine school
me: (9:31:08 PM) and therefore probably extremely unlikely that I'll get in
Ralphie: (9:31:42 PM) try sir
Ralphie: (9:31:44 PM) you've got 2 years
me: (9:32:33 PM) indeed. my plan is to compile a list of everyone applying for the fall of 2014
me: (9:32:45 PM) and then break all of their knee caps
Ralphie: (9:32:52 PM) good
Ralphie: (9:32:55 PM) or rape them
me: (9:34:32 PM) right. somehow knock them out of the running is what I'm saing
me: (9:34:36 PM) *saying
Ralphie: (9:35:28 PM) DO IT
me: (9:37:50 PM) it seems like a lot of work though
Ralphie: (9:37:57 PM) meh
Ralphie: (9:38:07 PM) work, rape... as if there's a difference anyway
me: (9:38:52 PM) true
me: (9:41:13 PM) so what are you up to?
Ralphie: (9:41:36 PM) writing my senior thesis
Ralphie: (9:41:45 PM) kinda
me: (9:41:51 PM) wooo
me: (9:41:58 PM) have you ever seen the movie Kids?
Ralphie: (9:42:05 PM) no
me: (9:42:20 PM) you vaguely resemble the main character
Ralphie: (9:42:58 PM) YAY
me: (9:43:48 PM) http://kidsthosedays.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Leo-Fitzpatrick-as-Telly.jpg
me: (9:43:50 PM) vaguely
Ralphie: (9:43:59 PM) YAY?
Ralphie: (9:45:29 PM) hmm
Ralphie: (9:45:32 PM) yay.
Ralphie: (9:45:36 PM) it's about drugs and such
me: (9:45:50 PM) indeed
me: (9:45:52 PM) drugs and sex
me: (9:45:56 PM) and teenagers
me: (9:46:51 PM) also, we are not friends on facebook
me: (9:46:54 PM) why is that?
Ralphie: (9:48:42 PM) i'm not on the facebook
me: (9:48:49 PM) that would do it
Ralphie: (9:48:49 PM) i was
Ralphie: (9:48:54 PM) i am no longer
Ralphie: (9:50:31 PM) jackie boy i have to focus on this paper
Ralphie: (9:50:35 PM) so i'll be going meow
Ralphie: (9:50:39 PM) i'll c u l8er
me: (9:50:39 PM) right meow?
me: (9:50:58 PM) alright, see you in a couple weeks
me: (9:51:00 PM) good luck

The important points to takeaway here are that 1) Ralphie really, really wanted my cock, and 2) he just promised to show up on the 16th, a Friday.

On Saturday, December 10, we talked again.

me: (1:04:17 AM) hey Ralphie
Ralphie: (1:06:18 AM) O HAI!
Ralphie: (1:06:24 AM) I was JUST thinking about you
me: (1:07:03 AM) glorious
me: (1:07:07 AM) as was I
me: (1:07:14 AM) I often think about me
Ralphie: (1:07:43 AM) well, obvs
me: (1:08:05 AM) how you doing?
Ralphie: (1:08:25 AM) meh
Ralphie: (1:08:28 AM) finals week
Ralphie: (1:08:36 AM) currently not writing a paper
me: (1:08:55 AM) solid plan
Ralphie: (1:09:01 AM) yep
me: (1:09:02 AM) I'm currently not working on my study guide
me: (1:09:05 AM) for my final tomorrow
Ralphie: (1:09:06 AM) WOO
Ralphie: (1:09:17 AM) we are solid
me: (1:09:36 AM) I know, right?
me: (1:09:44 AM) fuck I"m horny
Ralphie: (1:09:53 AM) awww
Ralphie: (1:10:02 AM) me too, jack. me too
me: (1:10:07 AM) when you get here, I'm going to ram my thick, hard cock inside
Ralphie: (1:10:20 AM) well obvs
me: (1:10:23 AM) and then just let it sit there for a couple minutes while you pant and squirm
me: (1:10:32 AM) adjusting to its size
Ralphie: (1:10:41 AM) it'll take some getting used to
Ralphie: (1:10:54 AM) it is kinda big
me: (1:12:02 AM) I'm pretty sure the trouble is 90% psychological
me: (1:12:11 AM) you can fit it up there, we know that from experience
Ralphie: (1:12:14 AM) 50%
Ralphie: (1:12:19 AM) it takes getting used to
Ralphie: (1:12:41 AM) i don't usually have a large, hard cock jammed up my ass
me: (1:12:54 AM) ah, yes. that is unfortunate
me: (1:12:57 AM) get a dildo
me: (1:12:59 AM) it'll help
me: (1:13:13 AM) make a mold of my cock, and use that
Ralphie: (1:13:26 AM) that would be a nice dildo
me: (1:13:47 AM) pretty sure they make kits for that
Ralphie: (1:14:19 AM) i doubt they actually work
me: (1:14:31 AM) hmmm
me: (1:14:36 AM) only so many ways to find out
me: (1:14:56 AM) so, when can I look forward to your company?
me: (1:14:59 AM) and for how long?
Ralphie: (1:16:43 AM) friday
Ralphie: (1:16:46 AM) or thursday
Ralphie: (1:16:52 AM) depending on how much sleep i need wednesday
me: (1:17:21 AM) and would you actually stay the night for once?
Ralphie: (1:17:35 AM) sure.
Ralphie: (1:17:44 AM) sounds hot
me: (1:18:19 AM) fantastic
me: (1:18:43 AM) and please, if there are any surprises from your parents that'll delay you, let me know
Ralphie: (1:19:00 AM) definitely
Ralphie: (1:19:18 AM) i think it'd be hot to start sucking your cock while you're asleep.  or to wake up to  your cock knocking at my back door.
me: (1:19:42 AM) so fucking hot
me: (1:19:53 AM) fuck you as the sun rises
Ralphie: (1:20:00 AM) yum
Ralphie: (1:21:06 AM) that one rainy night when we were laying on your side and you were rubbing your cock on my hole, you probably would have been able to get it all in without lube after a while. 
me: (1:22:00 AM) without lube?
me: (1:22:07 AM) that's optimistic
Ralphie: (1:22:20 AM) to fuck would have required lube, but you could have gotten it in there
me: (1:22:38 AM) maybe
Ralphie: (1:22:54 AM) i remember that feeling pretty well
me: (1:23:08 AM) my cock pressed up against your hole?
me: (1:23:14 AM) a good feeling?
Ralphie: (1:23:28 AM) yes very much
me: (1:24:28 AM) so, how many nights can I expect your company?
me: (1:24:37 AM) every night? most nights? only one?
Ralphie: (1:24:47 AM) more than one
Ralphie: (1:24:50 AM) obvs
Ralphie: (1:24:57 AM) as many as we can
me: (1:25:51 AM) excellent. have you told your parents about me by now?
Ralphie: (1:26:07 AM) no
Ralphie: (1:26:22 AM) keep in mind i haven't seen you since august
me: (1:26:35 AM) september
me: (1:26:38 AM) labor day
Ralphie: (1:26:44 AM) oh yes
Ralphie: (1:26:48 AM) early september
Ralphie: (1:26:52 AM) when it was warm and sunny
me: (1:27:00 AM) indeed
me: (1:27:11 AM) but the house is well heated
me: (1:27:14 AM) and my bed is warm
me: (1:27:18 AM) and I'm a living furnace
Ralphie: (1:27:36 AM) yes you are
Ralphie: (1:27:41 AM) we need to conserve heat
me: (1:28:11 AM) indeed we do
me: (1:28:56 AM) the reason I ask if you told your parents is that i remember them surprising you with adventures in the past
me: (1:29:14 AM) which, while I'm sure would be fun, would be most unfortunate for me
Ralphie: (1:29:18 AM) adventures have mostly been "we haven't seen you in forever.  stay right here"
me: (1:29:41 AM) yes
me: (1:29:48 AM) exactly. the worst kind of adventures
me: (1:30:09 AM) and if they insist on you staying right there, would it be possible to invite me over?
me: (1:30:24 AM) I don't exactly care where I am, so as long as you're there too
Ralphie: (1:30:34 AM) awww
Ralphie: (1:30:37 AM) well
Ralphie: (1:30:39 AM) idk
me: (1:30:58 AM) probably not? alright
me: (1:31:02 AM) just a thought
Ralphie: (1:31:39 AM) are you still living in the same place?
me: (1:31:52 AM) yes. the house with the red door
me: (1:32:16 AM) I don't move EVERY three months
Ralphie: (1:33:00 AM) well
Ralphie: (1:33:02 AM) just making sure
Ralphie: (1:33:22 AM) don't want to say to the guy answering the door "hey mr big cock, ready to fuck me?"
Ralphie: (1:33:23 AM) though
Ralphie: (1:33:29 AM) i don't think i'd ever say that
Ralphie: (1:33:31 AM) :/
me: (1:33:55 AM) haha. really?
me: (1:34:05 AM) I just make you beg for it one time then
Ralphie: (1:34:16 AM)  okay
me: (1:34:21 AM) just shout it as loud as you can before I let you have it
Ralphie: (1:34:38 AM) shout what?
me: (1:34:39 AM) that should be should, not just
me: (1:34:57 AM) "Mr. Big Cock, please fuck me!"
Ralphie: (1:35:00 AM) haha
Ralphie: (1:35:03 AM) that sounds natural
me: (1:35:20 AM) mostly your words
Ralphie: (1:35:38 AM) or i could just beg more naturally
me: (1:36:18 AM) how so?
Ralphie: (1:36:41 AM) i don't know, to be honest
Ralphie: (1:36:55 AM) ask for it
me: (1:37:29 AM) pretty sure you'll just be begging "please fuck me"
Ralphie: (1:37:42 AM) that sounds about right
me: (1:38:25 AM) so, I'll make you shout it
Ralphie: (1:38:37 AM) okay sir
me: (1:39:09 AM) did I ever tell you I love it when you call me sir?
Ralphie: (1:39:16 AM) maybe
Ralphie: (1:39:26 AM) but i'm glad you do, sir
me: (1:39:55 AM) you like being my little bitch?
Ralphie: (1:40:04 AM) well, obvs
me: (1:40:38 AM) what a wonderfully submissive streak you have...
Ralphie: (1:40:45 AM) ha
Ralphie: (1:41:09 AM) well you know i practically worship your cock
me: (1:41:45 AM) I should start a new religion
me: (1:41:52 AM) with my cock as the main deity
Ralphie: (1:41:57 AM) start with me
me: (1:42:29 AM) you know what's weird? I know word is supposed to be pronounced "Day - eh -tee"
Ralphie: (1:42:42 AM) mhm
me: (1:42:49 AM) but I prefer to say "dee - eh - tee"
Ralphie: (1:42:58 AM) okay sir
me: (1:43:38 AM) it's because the first time I say the word, I was 6, and hadn't yet been introduced to latin
Ralphie: (1:43:53 AM) fascinating
me: (1:44:03 AM) on a similar note, I tend to mispronounce "deus" as "dee - us" instead of "day us"
me: (1:44:13 AM) I know, absolutely fascinating
me: (1:44:32 AM) but back to you being a submissive little bitch
me: (1:44:44 AM) who desperately wants and worships my cock
Ralphie: (1:44:52 AM) yes
Ralphie: (1:45:10 AM) perhaps a method of worship could involve me kneeling
me: (1:45:27 AM) hmmm, yes.
me: (1:45:37 AM) anoint you with my cock
me: (1:45:44 AM) just lay it on your forehead
me: (1:45:52 AM) maybe slap you with it a couple times
me: (1:45:58 AM) shove it down your throat
me: (1:46:12 AM) I may have a slight dominant streak
me: (1:46:19 AM) just a slight one
Ralphie: (1:46:21 AM) yes, please shove your religion down my throat
me: (1:46:41 AM) with pleasure
Ralphie: (1:47:13 AM) what other worship practices seem appropriate?
me: (1:48:21 AM) we'll have to make up the proper rituals as we go along
me: (1:48:34 AM) but at some point, my religion is going to rape you
Ralphie: (1:48:48 AM) that's the wrath of god
me: (1:49:48 AM) see, I told you it was a good name
me: (1:50:00 AM) I put the fear of god into you
me: (1:50:09 AM) make you cry out in ecstasy and speak in tongues
me: (1:50:23 AM) *I'll
Ralphie: (1:50:46 AM) then give me your milk of life
me: (1:52:08 AM) ah, but should I let you drink it straight from the fount?
me: (1:52:22 AM) anoint your forehead with in and baptize you?
me: (1:52:49 AM) spray it across your body while shouting "the power of my cock compels you?"
Ralphie: (1:53:34 AM) perhaps, through your diving wisdom, insert it directly into me
Ralphie: (1:53:40 AM) that is up to you, you're the deity, i'm the mortal bitch.
me: (1:54:58 AM) pour my essence straight into you then
me: (1:55:06 AM) with my cock up your ass
me: (1:55:27 AM) leave it inside, only for it drip slowly out of your ravaged hole
Ralphie: (1:56:29 AM) the gift of life
me: (1:56:37 AM) indeed
me: (1:56:58 AM) within it, the power to make several million mini deities
Ralphie: (1:57:48 AM) make sure to get them as far in me as possible
me: (1:58:35 AM) haha I will
me: (1:58:55 AM) a nice fantasy, but we're not probably not going to fuck bareback
Ralphie: (1:59:03 AM) well not at first
Ralphie: (1:59:16 AM) i'm still getting your mini-deities though
me: (2:00:42 AM) one way or another
me: (2:01:02 AM) fuck I just came
Ralphie signed off at 2:01 AM.
Ralphie is offline
Ralphie signed on at 2:02 AM.
me: (2:02:37 AM) welcome back
Ralphie: (2:02:45 AM) my battery died
Ralphie: (2:02:49 AM) not cool, mr. laptop
me: (2:02:57 AM) my mini deities are now splattered on my hands
me: (2:03:05 AM) and probably a few on the keyboard now
Ralphie: (2:03:14 AM) godspeed
Ralphie: (2:03:43 AM) oh well
Ralphie: (2:03:52 AM) we both should get back to work anyway
me: (2:03:59 AM) we should.
Ralphie: (2:04:04 AM) toodles
Ralphie: (2:04:09 AM) good luck on your final
me: (2:04:15 AM) thank you. you as well
me: (2:04:38 AM) see you in a few days
Ralphie: (2:04:58 AM) yep!

Again, the important take away is he really wants my cock and will show up either on Thursday the 15th or Friday the 16th and spend a couple of nights with me.  Keeping that in mind, I kept my calendar clear for then.

On Thursday, December 15th (the day he was supposed to come back and stay over), I texted him:
me: 8:15 AM "Morning, Ralphie"
me: 6:18 PM "Are you coming back tonight or tomorrow?"
Ralphie: 10:46PM "Saturday"
me: "Excellent. Let me know when you're back."

Okay, so he had stood me up Thursday and Friday, but at least he let me know Thursday evening, even though I had to text him to find out and he hadn't gotten back to me until nearly 11 pm. It was finals week for both of us, term papers were in the air, he was busy and it's understandable. No big deal.

Saturday, December 17th (the day he was supposed to come back and stay over, part 2):
Ralphie: 2:17 PM "It's blizzarding. I wont be back until tomorrow night"
me: 4:22 PM "Well. Shit. Figures that the only time it decides to snow this week is today."

On Sunday, Max texted me, asking me to come over and fuck him. I sent my apologies, letting him know I already had plans for that night, as Ralphie was supposed to come over.

Sunday, December 18th (the day he was supposed to come back and stay over, part 3):
me: (3:28 PM) "How's the snow?"
me: (7:24 PM) "Yo, Ralphie. What's your ETA?"
Ralphie: (8:10 PM) "I'm in Ohio still"
me: "So, you're not coming back?"
Ralphie: "That depends on when AAA arrives."
me: "Oh shit. What happened?"
Ralphie: (8:37 PM) "Just a flat tire. I noticed it before it did any damage to the rim."
me: "oh good. Did AAA come?"
me: (1:04 AM) "Did you get home safely?"
Ralphie: (1:42 AM) "Yeah i ended up going back to cleveland bc i was only in ashtabula. I'm coming hime tomorrow."
me: "Alright. When do you plan on coming over here?"
Ralphie: "Idk. Apparently i have to get the tree, oh and I'm getting an iphone. Yay 2011"
me: (at this point, I was a tad frustrated with him because he kept changing his plans without telling me until I texted him.) "You and I need to chat at some point."

There was no reply to that last text.

On Monday, December 19th (the day he was supposed to come back and stay over, part 4)
me: (7:34 AM) "Come over tonight at 10:30" (I hoped that by giving him a specific time to be at my place, he would either show up at that time or he'd be forced to text me before then giving me notice. Either way, I wouldn't have to get home until 10:30."
Ralphie: (9:57 PM) "Are you free at all Wednesday afternoon? For lunch or walking about town?"
me: "Yes, I am"
me: "Did you arrive home safely?"
Ralphie: "Sweet! I'd like to have actual talkie time and be classy"
me: "Fantastic. Are you coming over tonight or tomorrow night at all?"
Ralphie: "And I made it back fine."
Ralphie: "I'm coming over tomorrow. I have to finish one last term paper tonight."
me: "Aww. Alright. What time?"
Ralphie: "Ten at the latest."

On Tuesday, December 20th (the day he was supposed to come back and stay over, part 5), I called him at 8:36 PM and we talked for 21 minutes.  He told me he wasn't coming over. I explained to him my frustration at him not coming over.  He told me he suffered from depression, that it would it make him feel anxious and not sexy. I understood. I told him about my own shrink's opinion of me. We agreed to get chipotle.

The next day, December 21st, we met up for lunch. We drove out to the waterfall and stood over looking them, him in front, me behind him, my arms wrapped around him holding him close. We drove around and we talked about holidays and family, school and grad school applications, life and everything in general.  We came back to my school's campus and walked around exploring.  I walked him out to his car, and we talked as I leaned against the driver's door and he stood facing me. As the sun started to set, he said, "Alright Jackie, it's been fun, but I've got to go. It's Hanukkah and I've got to get home before sunset." I looked at him, looked at the sun, smirked and shook my head. "No you don't." He rolled his eyes and  looked at me in exasperation, "Yes, I kinda do."  I thought about grabbing him there and kissing him. I wanted to. I shook my head. "No you don't."  "Jack, I do." Would he want me to kiss him? Did he really like me? He said he did, and we had spent enough time in bed together to know that he at least enjoyed sleeping with me. We had talked a great deal over the past several months. But what was I to him? Just a big dick and hot sex? A boy he liked but felt he couldn't date because of the distance? A friend who his only attraction to now was platonic? I stood aside and let him leave. 

As I walked back to campus, I felt a sadness well over me.  I had surgery the next day, and then Christmas break. It was unlikely that I would see him again in months, if ever again at all. Dating long distance is something I've never believed in, and with no clear end in sight, I didn't see how it could have worked between the two of us. But, I still cared for him. Far more than I ever did for any other fuck buddy.

Max texted me that evening, asking me to come over. I told him I had surgery the next day and I couldn't. With Max, at least, the feelings are clear. He's a fuck buddy. He's a nice guy and all, but I have no interest in dating him. If we didn't have sex, I probably wouldn't even be friends with him. We just don't have much in common. With him, there's none of the confusion there is with Ralphie.


On Thursday, December 22nd, the day of my surgery, while lying in the surgery clinic waiting to be discharged, I began texting Ralphie again.
me: (3:33 PM) "Hey Ralphie, how you doing?"
Ralphie: "You're the one who just had surgery!"
me: "And I'm on fantastic amounts of drugs"
Ralphie: "Merry Xmas to you."
me: "I know, right? Gotten anything cool for Hannukah?"
Ralphie: "We don't do gifts. But I blew out the candle when I went to bed. So yay I guess"
me: "Woo. When do you go back to school?"
Ralphie: "The 13th"
me: "That is early. I'm trying to think if I can generate any reason to visit you next semester. Would you be opposed if I did?"
Ralphie: (3:47 PM) "Probably not the best idea sir."
me: "I see. May I ask why?"
Ralphie: (4:51 PM) "It just wouldn't be okay. Sorry to take so long to reply I was on the phone with an insurance adjuster."
me: (5:10 PM) "Yay, insurance. I'm still in the hospital. Between the surgery and the drugs, I've been struggling to void my bladder, so they're going to send me home with a catheter."
me: "My medical issues aside, I'm curious: what is your opinion of me?"
Ralphie: "You're awesome and fantastic but anything romantic is impossible and would only lead to sad places if pursued to any degree. I wish that didnt sound so methodical."
me: "I completely agree. Long distance dating has a roughly zero chance of success."
me: "That said, I like you far more than I ever intended. Also, I just has a large bore catheter inserted. And my god, not fun."
Ralphie: "At least you never have to get up ever. That's convenience. Everyone will have one in twenty years."
me: "But the nurse did a good job."
me: "She wanted to make sure you knew that."
me: "see, on the one hand, I like the convenience, but on the other, I can't use my  penis."

I guess this ends the Saga of Ralphie. It began 7 months in May in the days of my summer surgery for tonsilitis, ended in December in the days of my winter ball surgery. The odds of us hooking up again are small. He graduates in May and is unlikely to return to upstate New York after that. We both don't believe in long distance dating. And we never used the word "love" to describe our feelings for each other.  What were we then? Not boyfriends, but closer than fuck buddies or friends with benefits. Hell, we haven't even slept together since Labor Day. Friends with romantic infatuation? Friends with unrealized crushes? Oh well.

I think I'll call him one last time.